From the time I was only a child I was seeing, hearing and feeling things other people weren't. I'd see shadows take form in the night and footsteps when everyone was asleep in bed. Figures would come to me and stand over me in the night and I would get strong feelings of coldness and terror while being in paralyzed states.
They weren't always unpleasant and I don't really remember but i'm informed by everyone who knew me then that I had imaginary friends I don't remember them but I do remember not feeling alone. As I got older the visits got more frequent and more vivid and came with stomach upsets, headaches and muscle cramps and they became something I expected and lived with everyday.
Then I started getting unusual dreams, lucid, vivid, recurring, progressive, repeating and would often wake up from them paralyzed with something hovering over me. I'd get a recurring dream where some formless thing was chasing me trying to attack me and every night i'd run farther. I don't remember if it ever caught up to me though. I'd have alot of similar themed dreams where I would wake up to find dangerous animals all over the house but they would never try to hurt me. Or my friends would take me all take me to the beach which was always just down the street no matter which direction we went in even though there is no beach near me.
This all continued and progressed until my teenage years where the dreams became more frequent and I developed insomnia. This is when the real pain started. Terrible migraine, hormone issues, back ache, stiff neck, tender muscles and hypersensitivity to light, sound, taste, touch pretty much everything and I developed insomnia. For such a long time it seemed maybe 2 years I had terrible depression and could not sleep at night. I would fall asleep after about 4am and be in a lucid state aware of my dreaming and sleep but also waking up at the end of it. I wouldn't get rest, I woke up stiff and the things i'd seen in the night started becoming more real and started appearing during the day. Shadows would take bodily form and grow claws and reach across the room to grab me. From the darkness shapes would appear and suck the darkness into them so that they were silhouted against the pitch black. They came from the shadow of a tree in the daytime or could be seen in the corners of my eyes. However when I looked directly at them without my peripheral they lingered for a few seconds.
At this point I developed full blown fibromyalgia. My body had become my enemy in my mind I was in constant agony completely exhausted and stiff with aching and stabbing all over. I had to give up the sports I was playing and was afraid of people touching me because of the pain. The sun light gave me migraines and all food seemed to make me feel sick. I withdrew and spent more and more time meditating quietly wrapped in blankets taking pain killers and warming myself barely eating or sleeping. Everything exhausted me and every little activity caused so much pain. I started seeing drs and tried every medication off label to try to help with my symptoms and some would take the sharpness out of the pain for a month or 2 and then stop working. But I had to live with the increased sedation the mind numbing, extra naussea and other side effects.
I went on pushing on cutting back on what I did finishing my High school certificate part time then getting a part time job while attending uni. I was falling asleep in my lectures and getting so dizzy and lightheaded I'd worry about collapsing during class. I was only managing to just get by earning enough money to get me to uni and only just scraping through passes on my subjects. My subjects got more involved and complex and I was having trouble remembering enough to get me through my exams so i dropped back to part time at uni only doing 3 then 2 then 1 subjects at a time and continued at that rate taking on more hours of work, finding it easier to do a good job at that not needing to think so hard or remember as much. By now I was free of antidepressants and wasn't so unhappy. But also wasn't progressing. I sought out all kinds of specialists who might have answers for me finding them mostly dismissive and patronizing. I had all the tests and gathered as much information as I could learning how to look after myself better so that the pain was no longer so bad I thought dying would be better. Now just really bad and difficult to manage some days. But I started having some good days understanding better how to look after myself.
I survived a redundancy from my job and found a new job to be enjoyable and challenging but rotten to the core and was being asked to go above and beyond and give everything for my work and it took this to make me miserable again to really start seeking where my illness originated from and how I was going to beat it so that I'd be able to give them what they asked. With much searching and new contacts I found the only things to really give me good quality relief was yoga and meditation. I tried these for a while until I was no longer able to meditate and found a shaman. She'd confirmed that spirits had been interfering and blocking me from meditating and that I needed to accept and come into my gifts. That an ancestor had powerful psychic or healing ability and I had all the tools at my disposal to achieve what i'm meant to do.
This seemed really big to me and I began to look more into energy work and shamanism and was started to find how much a shaman does that I already do. I realised that i'd been putting myself into trance with music, that my dreams had been becoming reality and that I had control over them and that I was able to sense the non ordinary spirit world. Quickly after that I got myself crystals and started communicating with nature. I found the more I did yoga the more my awareness increased and the more I opened up and communicated better. I finally decided my job was toxic and left. Now I sit here writing this realising some of my gifts and wanting to share them. No longer having constant pain but heightened senses and supernatural experiences. I learned that alot of my symptoms were others symptoms that I was experiencing as well as their thoughts and emotions and gradually got better at telling the difference between theirs and whats really mine. Sometimes hearing messages from plants or animals, often having BIG dreams and always feeling the energies within and without me. I'm constantly amazed at the new world i'm finding and wish to make more sense of it and share it with people who might be experiencing some similar things and have insight to share. We can all learn from each other and grow as we come into our own sense of being and connectedness with the world around us each and everyday if we accept it. I hope you will share with me as I continue to share with you.
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